Eyes Wide Open Sistas!

February 22nd, 2012

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Out of curiosity and because things weren’t working out with the BF, I signed up on two online dating sites in the past year and discovered that the number of love-frauds and scammers out there is just mind-boggling!

Since recent media reported many cases of women getting conned on online dating sites, I decided to ink down some of my experiences. If it helps someone weed out the fakers and save her some heartache, my excruciating online dating experience wouldn’t be in vain.

First of all, choose a guy who lives in your own country because after all, you want to be able to meet this person, look into his eyes and hold his hand. And if he says that he is actually overseas when he is supposed to live here, then you have caught him out on THE BIG LIE. Don’t be stupid – drop him like a hot brick NOW, Girl!

If he passes this first test or you take your chances on a guy who lives overseas, then maybe these next few pearls of wisdom will help. How do I know all of this? Because I’ve met them all, my dearies.

1) Weed out the Most Obvious fakes – the ones with really bad English (so I’m a language snob, shoot me), the ones who extol how beautiful you are and how they are so in love with you already in their first email (gag), and the ones who are only asking for sex (ick).

2) Never trust that who you see is who you get. If a paedophile can pretend to be a 14-year-old girl online, then any of these guys you see can be someone else. Many scammers use other people’s online photos in their fake profiles and if the guy looks like an absolute hunk, ask yourself this – why would he really need to hunt for love online much less in another country?

3) ‘Wink’ or send feeler emails out to those who catch your eye. And of those who answer, delete those who will not share about themselves but would instead only praise the beauty of your toes and ask you only for more details about yourself. This ploy endears the woman to them because they appear to be good listeners and seem very caring.

4) Ask about his job – what exactly he does, who he has to deal with, why he chose such a job. Very often these guys are listed as Engineers (usually oil and gas engineers because they think women don’t know much about it, duh!) and other technical careers. If he can’t give details about his job then he probably doesn’t know much about it either, so hit the panic button (Danger, Will Robinson!).

5) Scammers usually use a Yahoo email account or yahoo chat. I’m not sure entirely why, but I suspect that Yahoo does not track new account holders as much as Gmail or Hotmail.

6) Beware of UK phone numbers. If he asks for your contact number, ask him to give you one first. It is easy to apply for a UK telephone number online so many scammers usually say they live there and will give you a UK number. If you can trust your ability to distinguish accents, call him from a secure line and listen to how he speaks, not what he says. Some of the guys I called had rather dubious British accents, including one who claimed to be Canadian! The rest had fake accents, with the majority sounding like Nigerians trying to sound Brit, I kid you not!

7) Overseas chappies will also say they don’t have webcams. This prevents you from actually seeing that they are nothing like their online profile pictures. They will ask you for more pictures of yourself – don’t do it as this is also one way scammers get access to more pictures to create more fake profiles.

Most of these guys will have some kind of sob story to get your sympathy. I got these – widowed and left with a beloved young daughter; cheated on and with a sick mother; and my personal favourite – a tragic accident that killed his kid who turned out not to be his kid because his ex-wife had been cheating on him. The stories are endless. It helps when some scammers try juggling too many targets at a time. ..

The Canadian-widower-with-a-beloved-daughter sent me an email meant for someone else called Sammie then forwarded me the exact same email with the ‘Dear ….’ name changed. Ha! You should’ve seen the back pedalling he did after that. I was giggling with glee all night. It is vindicating to have suspicions confirmed, but you won’t always have that luxury.

The Cheated-on-with-sick-mum guy “travelled” to Nigeria (alarm bells!) and while there, ran into some problems transferring some money for an urgent operation for his mum, asked if I could help. Pfft. Riiiight. And what urgent op did she need? A cataract operation. Sigh. Do your homework mister.

When I told Guy-with-dead-kid-who-wasn’t-his-kid that I was planning to come to Perth to visit him, he quickly arranged for a “work trip” to another town to bid for a project and found himself short of $11,000 for an orientation course. DING DING DING!!! Jackpot — another major loser.

I am not saying online dating is a complete failure because my search did throw up a couple of possibilities who are here, and who are willing to meet up. Meeting up face-to-face really helps you determine whether you could start something, whether this will be a new friend for you, or if this is a complete lost cause.

If you think that I am perhaps some embittered cynical chick, my friends will tell you they actually think I am too trusting and open-minded. Why do we put ourselves through this rigmarole? Sigh, maybe it is because our social circles are too closed to reveal new friendships. Maybe it is because we just aren’t the social animals we used to be. Maybe we are afraid to step out of our comfort zones. Whatever happens, don’t go online when you are vulnerable.

Go in with eyes open, a healthy dose of scepticism, and a truckload of common sense.

And because I am always such an optimistic romantic fool, I still believe there’s someone out there who’s just right for me, and for you! Happy and Safe Hunting!

Metamorphoenix is an over-40 full-figured newly-divorced sister searching for a happy life. It’s sometimes painful, sometimes funny, sometimes ridiculous … but always from the heart.

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Loving Across the Miles

September 16th, 2010

by Metamorphoenix

I love a man I haven’t been in touching distance with for 9 months, and although it’s been a struggle, I love him even more today.

In this truly global community we live in, families and loved ones have had to deal with maintaining relationships through travel, overseas postings and immigration. But what happens when couples try to build up a new romance through distance and time?

I knew it would be tough, and if I had already found it difficult enough communicating with a man in the same household, how was I going to build up strong links with someone at the opposite side of the globe?

In a quick recap of my romantic journey, I had met an American gent last October at a conference and we connected very rapidly over his remaining 3 days in Singapore. We treasured another 10 days together when he returned for a project, and then for the next 9 months plans for work trips to SEA fell through repeatedly. At least, until August 8th when he finally stepped off that plane at Changi Airport.

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Happy Raya!

September 10th, 2010

Selamat Hari Raya!  For those of you who’ve observed Ramadan, well done, you made it!  Your dedication is a beautiful thing.  I am in awe of your commitment.

As I’ve said before, I believe religions were created to unite, and should focus on love and sharing.

So on this day, pooh to all the haters and crazies, those who want to burn things, blow things up for attention and instead let’s all celebrate the beauty of dedication and selflessness, and a collective greater good.

Let’s all think about how we want to live our lives, what we want to contribute, and commit to.  Let’s not get caught up in the small things, the shiny things, the petty things, and remember what a gift life is, for each one of us, and decide what kind of life we want, and what kind of society we can create.

The late Randy Pausch said it better than I ever could.   So inspiring.

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Aunty Angstanista and the I’m in love with a married man question

September 8th, 2010

“I’m in love with a married man. We’ve been together for nearly a year but he’s stuck in his marriage because he has young kids. I’m trying to be understanding but it’s driving me crazy’”.  A, 37

Advice from The g, Angstanista, Meta and Facebook fans.

Hope this helps A.  Let us know how you get on.

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Introducing Angstanista

September 1st, 2010

Ever had a problem you can’t think your way out of?  A grievance you just need to get off your chest?  Stuff you just can’t ask your mum, or your friends?  Career advice?  Family issues?  Fashion hangups?  Then ask Angstanista!

Just send an email to talk@thegroovini.com

We promise you anonymity, you don’t have to tell us your name, just the pertinent facts, and we’ll do our best to help.  Where possible, we’ll rope in other opinions – from our regular contributors, and our friends who have experience in the area of your issue.

And if you Dear Reader, wants to chip in, please do – after all, we’re all here to help each other.

This week’s question is from J, 32

“my boss doesn’t like me, even though I’m good at my job.  I’m worried it’s going to affect my annual assessment.  What should I do?”

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Soloing Down Under

August 26th, 2010

by Metamorphoenix

Victoria, Day 1 – 7th Nov ‘09

3.45pm, Pink Penguin Café, Phillip Island

First day of solo travel in Melbourne – never traveled alone before, so was facing this with some apprehension. Left on Friday night on a 7 hr flight – intended to sleep thru it but got distracted by the latest movie Julie and Julia. Passed out for 3.5 hours of sleep and flight arrived at 9.a.m. After declaring meds and snacks, I traipsed out to find a coffee and the car rental company. When I got the car, it took me another 30 minutes just to figure out the GPS and key in a couple of destinations. Then I was off!

Made a wrong turn only once (damn those highway exit directions – “keep right then bear left on the highway.” What the hey???) but the rather soothing male (yay) GPS voice led me on a 3 hour journey to Phillip Island. Hadn’t planned things really well and when time ticked past 2pm, I was ready to drop dead from hunger – had had only a single croissant for breakfast on board 7 hours earlier. But I was determined to get to the Chillhouse Backpackers Inn before sunset.

Got to the Inn – a little disappointed with the place but at Aus$60/night for a double room, I really shouldn’t quibble. Shared baths and a small courtyard to hang out in, but someone forgot to tell the pitbull to be nice to the guests.

Maybe it’s because I’m tired; although the weather’s bright, sunny and hot (so un-Melbourne kinda weather), everything’s looking a little dreary and sad.

Cowes Beach, Phillip Island

Maybe it’s because I had to leave a part of my heart behind in Singapore (he was back in town and we’d had a wonderful week together), or maybe it’s the lack of sleep and apprehension at travelling alone. The fear when I drove out of the car rental place was almost paralyzing – no back-up driver, no human navigator, no one to bounce thoughts off of. All on my own.

Am sitting at the fish and chip shop at 4pm in the afternoon in Cowes, facing a sea of brilliant blue, surrounded by holiday makers, and feeling alone. But that’s the whole point of this trip – to stand on my own two feet, to face my fears down and to walk away from this experience stronger.

I KNOW tomorrow will be a better day – I won’t allow myself to wallow. Guess I’ll head out to the Visitor Centre now to find out what there is to do on this island …

Addendum – 9pm @ Penguin Parade: Decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and went to the Penguin Parade …. and thank goodness I did, because just watching the little fellas waddling up onto the beach and heading into their burrows to feed their chicks was an amazing, uplifting experience. They were cute, struggled across rocks and past predatory birds, and then clambered up grassy slopes to get home.

I figured … if such small creatures could have such big hearts and determination, what did I have to complain about? I have had many blessings in my life, so what if the journey went a little uphill? Why did I allow myself to become discouraged?

I felt so uplifted by these beautiful blue and white penguins, and I start the day tomorrow with a little more eagerness ….. I’m getting the hang of this ‘alone-time’. Come on …. Team Meta! Let’s get it on again!

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I believe…

August 14th, 2010

Recently, I was chatting to a stranger in a coffee shop, and she seemed nice enough, and wanted to meet again for coffee.

All well and good, until, when we said goodbye, she said “Are you a Christian?”

That set alarm bells off in my head.

I am not decrying anyone’s religious beliefs, I am not trying to convert anyone, convince anyone, change anyone.

Nor do I like anyone trying to convert me. What you believe in, and the code you live by is your choice.  That’s personal freedom.

But it gave me pause to think about what I believe in, and writing this is forcing me to form loose thoughts into sentences.

As a Catholic child, I went to mass every Sunday, and went to a Catholic girls’ school.  Prayers were always being recited and chanted. In my boarding school years in England, Catholics were a minority at both schools (the predominant religion being Church of England), and we were bussed out to mass on Sundays.

That didn’t stop me from singing in the choir and I’d often sing Sunday services too (double church time!). To this day, those CoE hymns and psalms are favourite pieces of music.

Being a befuddled youngster, I didn’t really understand what the fuss was about, being bussed to a different church.

The differences weren’t huge (no Hail Mary, no kneeling, slightly different words in the Creed and Our Father) but really, for someone not really paying attention, not terribly different.

It really wasn’t until my adult years that I actually put punctuation into the prayers I’d been chanting all the years and understood the meaning behind the words. Hail Mary Full Of Grace The Lord Is With Thee Blessed Art Thou Amongst Women (in a monotonous chant)

is really different from a very lovely “Hail, Mary, full of Grace. The Lord is With Thee! Blessed Art Thou, Amongst Women!”

In my university years in Scotland, again, religion was a point of difference. My long-term Scottish Protestant boyfriend introduced me to the concept of Orange, the Hand of Orange and Catholics as ‘Tims’.  All pertaining back to the Irish Protestant-Catholic divide.  All new labels, as if being a Chinese girl from Singapore wasn’t exotic enough already.

At that time I was still unaware of divides.   You know, when you’re young, the world just rushes past you, and every now and again you grab at something and pause.  But otherwise, it’s all a whirl, coming at you at warp speed.

I can’t remember when I actually stopped going to mass. I know I started thinking about it all again when I became aware of people warring because of religious beliefs.

And I started wondering, am I therefore an atheist?

It’s not like I believe there are these gods in the heavens playing us like puppets.

Nor do I believe that stuff ‘just happens’. (I try, but can’t embrace that 100%…I’m a horoscope junkie)

Or personally don’t tap in to a greater spiritual source than I.

I just don’t feel I have to go to a special place to do it, or to put a name on it.

I appreciate that religious gatherings are a source of comfort and direction for many.

I do believe that religions were formed to unite people.

I personally love sitting in empty places of worship (of most religions) and soaking in the lovely, peaceful, sanctuary feel of most of them. From the accumulation of years of  vibes of love, peace, and good intentions congregated within.

And I guess if I had to articulate what I believe in, it would be that.

That our ability to harness our energy for good and for evil is real. We just don’t consciously know how to use it.

Do I believe in God? Maybe not the guy in the drawings of the early school teachings, the guy with the beard, floating on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.  But divine energy?  Yes.

I think God is in all of us, and collectively, we are all God.

To me, whatever your religion, the fount of spiritual energy is the same for all.

Whatever labels we put on our beliefs, I wish we could harness all our good intentions, and live on the side of peace.

Let’s not get caught up in the politics of religion.  Let’s believe that we are all related, all connected, let’s not focus on our differences.  Let’s believe that loving and caring for others is something to aspire to.   Let’s respect everyone’s right as individuals, as long as they don’t harm anyone.   And as much of a cliché as it sounds, I believe in love.

The power of love (and I don’t mean just romantic love) can change negatives into positives.   I think if we all could tap into this fount of positive energy and harness it as a society, great things can happen.   Let’s see God (whatever name you have for god) as the best of this positive energy and love, and a way to unite us all, and not a point of difference and hatred.

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The Me in Meta

August 4th, 2010

by Metamorphoenix

After my father’s death last year and while the wheels of divorce were still turning, I planned to make my maiden solo vacation.

I was ashamed to admit that I had never travelled alone in my entire life, the same way I had never lived alone in my entire 44 years. So I chose a destination I’d travelled partially to before, and which had a couple of friends living enroute – Melbourne & Victoria. It was supposed to be a journey of self discovery but ended up as one of recognition and acceptance instead.

I had planned to set aside some time on the trip to take treks and perhaps pause to sketch or paint some of the sights and scenery, to take time to reflect on who I was and what I intended to do with myself post-divorce. I ended up discovering my strengths, accepting that I was far from perfect, and embracing my weaknesses.

I’m a planner (because I don’t do off-the-cuff very well) so it was no surprise that I drew up a 15-page document detailing what to pack, a travel itinerary, my friends’ full contact details, full information on the car rental company and hostels/motels, things to do at each destination, recommended restaurants and cuisines, detailed route maps for the drive between each town (LOVE Google maps!), and a shopping list.

If you think this is an indication that I have an obsessive compulsive disorder, you couldn’t be further from the truth. Besides, I’ll have you know that I didn’t go so far as to create hourly schedules for each day. So there!

Actually, I plan this extensively for only one reason – I do not handle surprises well. I freak out, hyperventilate, tear my hair out and cry copiously … not a pretty sight at all. So to save the Aussies from this deranged Singaporean woman, I planned ahead as much as possible. All this planning also helped create a clear picture of where I would be each day and all options available at each location.

Safe with the knowledge that each day had some kind of structure, I was free to pursue what I wanted at each part of the trip. Sure, I listed down 10 restaurants for each town, but I was free to decide which one to actually eat at. And if I saw some other cafe along the way that looked interesting, I stopped to have a chai latte, a falafel wrap, or fish and chips.

I made little unplanned side trips based on my mood. While driving down the Great Ocean Road I saw a sign for the Otway Lighthouse and made an impulse detour that gave me an unexpected close encounter with a koala. In a little inland town called Birregurra, I unearthed a wonderful little tea room at Gentle Annie’s Berry Farm that served the most delicious sweet potato and ginger soup with a comforting side of warm homemade damper bread and hand-churned butter. These little side trips created pleasant surprises and not stress, because I knew I had a fall-back plan for the day.

There are always the things that the locals can introduce to you that isn’t in any travel guide. In Lorne where I stayed with friends, I was brought to the hilly backstreets to look for mama koalas with their babies in the gum trees, and down to a neighbourhood lane where king parrots swooped down and ate from the palms of our hands. In the evenings, a grassy knoll by the Georges River brought out grazing kangaroos.

For the first time, I took time to look up and see birds flying in a V-formation. I handfed a strange marsupial called a pademelon and watched fairy penguins come up from the beach to their nest burrows. I drove onto a car ferry for the first time (my rampaging imagination had me hitting the accelerator instead of the brakes and driving off the ferry into the water) and I pursued a wild echidna into a ditch paparazzi-style just so I could get a snapshot of it. I realised I liked the coast and the mountains but didn’t think much of the city.

I discovered I could stay in a hostel single room (except sharing bathrooms and loos can be very traumatic) but that communal living in a 10-bed dormitory was beyond my sensibilities and capabilities (cue the aforementioned freaking out). Even with the best laid plans, I could underestimate driving distances and end up arriving 3 hours later than scheduled on an empty stomach. Trust me, one CAN survive for 7 hours on a croissant and large coffee but it makes you a very grouchy so-and-so.

So I took 30 minutes to initially set up the car’s GPS device but throughout the 18 days, I only misinterpreted the verbal directions and went off-route ONCE! That showed me that I was cautious, listened well, could negotiate unfamiliar territory, and above all – did it ALL BY MYSELF (beams with pride).

I learnt that I didn’t always have to ask strangers to take photos for me (love my Guerrilla Camera Stand!), and that I felt less alone when I was alone than when I was in a crowd. By the way, the best views are not always on the well-worn path but around the corner from what seems like an inaccessible rocky outcrop. Then three days before I left Melbourne, Facebook threw up a friend who had moved there and I enjoyed an unexpected day catching up with him.

I also discovered how expensive using Singapore ISP broadband overseas can get, how afraid I could feel when I was alone in a ground floor motel room, how wonderfully open-hearted the Aussies can be and yet how threatening a man in a car seemed when he stopped beside me as I walked down a dark street (I was lost at the time, trying to find my way back to the hostel from the train station so cue second major freakout).

Instead of painting, I captured the special moments and beautiful scenery with my digital camera (discovering that yes, I can deplete a fully charged battery in half a day), and kept in touch daily with friends, family and my Man through skype, emails and blogging.

I returned to Singapore with a sigh of relief (and overweight luggage), with lots of food for thought. I realised that I don’t like being alone, but if push came to shove, I could stand on my own two feet.

I was no longer a solo travel virgin, and I had done it without catastrophe – well except for two meltdowns. Everything that happened and every lesson learnt went into my blog, and you’ll get the entire travelogue in the next few articles.

My name is Meta, I am a survivor, and I accept this journey as my right to living a full life.

©Metamorphoenix

Metamorphoenix is a regular contributor to www.thegroovini.com.  She is an over-40 full-figured newly-divorced sister searching for a happy life. It’s sometimes painful, sometimes funny, sometimes ridiculous … but always from the heart.

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Happy birthday us!

July 23rd, 2010

Yes, we are 1!

When I started this with a glimmer of an idea – sharing what I’ve experienced and what I’d recommend to an internet audience, I did not plan on a year!  Yet here we are, and amazingly, in a year, over 56,000 hits.  Thank you all so much.  I’m not sure what to do next with the groovini, and would love to hear your thoughts.  After all, neither I, nor Meta, nor Beauticia write for ourselves, but for your reading pleasure.

So we’d love to hear from you.  What would you like more of?  Less of?  None of?

And especially for Ferny, here’s the drink I promised you.  (on FB, Ferny posted that I’d have to buy her a drink at a million hits)  Don’t want you going thirsty waiting for the million!  (The real drink when we hit a million OK?)

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